


because your fears caught up with you at last

by solsticeflux



Series: it's there in black and white [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst?, Character Study, Gen, Merle-centric, im actually not sure if that tag applies here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 02:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8603284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solsticeflux/pseuds/solsticeflux
Summary: Merle takes a good, hard look at himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> wooo last part of my character study series (for now)
> 
> if i know anything about myself it's that i'm gonna wanna add more to this series later
> 
> enjoy me attempting to write merle? he's so strangely complex it's harder to get into his head than it was for mag and taako

Being married isn’t at all like Merle expects it to be. 

He’s always been told that being married is one of the best things that could happen to a person; just second to devoting your life to Pan. He already has that part covered. Marrying Hecuba just seems the logical next step; they’re friends already, but she has been taught the same thing all her life as well.

They do what is expected of them. 

It doesn’t make either of them happy. They both know right from the moment they go official that this is not going to work out. But it is already too late, their families are congratulating them and planning and _swarming._ The mistake has been made. 

Every vow that leaves Merle’s lips feel like a poison; he’s been taught not to lie and this is the biggest lie of all. Hecuba looks like she has swallowed something sharp as she says “I do” and Merle can only imagine the look on his own face when he echoes her. They kiss and the vows are sealed. It isn’t that he doesn’t care about her, they just aren’t the right fit. He knows Hecuba feels the same way but they have entered a contract that they cannot skip out on. That is what he tells himself for years; through trying to bond with Mavis, through the birth of Mookie, through the bitterness that wells up in the space between both him and Hecuba. It is almost a comfort, knowing he is not solely to blame. 

It builds and threatens to consume them both and they try so hard to keep it beneath the surface. Merle had asked, she had agreed, now they had to stay and fulfill the things they have promised. If not for their own senses of peace, but for their children, certainly. 

Mavis and Merle drift apart.

Mookie loves his father unconditionally.

Hecuba lays blame. 

The day comes where Merle Highchurch decides he cannot take it anymore.

He gives some flimsy excuse -- something about being out of smokes -- and leaves his home by the beach as the tides rush out. For a split second he stops and watches at the way the water twinkles and sparkles, all while the light shines so harshly on it. He digs his feet into the sand, _his_ sand, and just, considers.

He turns on his heels and never looks back. 

Sitting on the stand by the door sits a full pack of cigars. 

 

Adventuring isn’t at all like Merle expects it to be. 

 

He expects high danger, high stakes, fighting day and night, and the like. What he gets are odd jobs here and there, and barely any battles. Clerical work isn’t the most eventful of jobs, as it turns out. But Merle takes any change with wide open arms in comparison to what he left behind. Some night he regrets, but the thought passes like any other. 

The travelling is what Merle truly loves about it, and the travelling is what leads him to a wizard elf and a human carpenter. The elf, Taako, and the human, Magnus, are like him in enough ways that the three almost instantly strike a chord. By the end of the week they are companions. It’s easy to settle into a rhythm with them and it holds none of the rules that Merle’s old life did. It is a breath of fresh air, the two of them. Taako is too closed off to be anything like his son; Magnus too open to be like his daughter. Merle does not compare himself to Hecuba. 

They definitely get into trouble, and they definitely get into fights, and the rush of it lets Merle forget the baggage that has followed him this far. The dwarf spends little time doing any actual healing and that’s a small blessing, too. Everything is working out just fine, he thinks. 

Gundren shows up with a job offer, and things take a turn. 

Magnus jumps at the chance to help, Taako makes a comment, things are usual. Merle has the feeling something is off, but he does not act on it. Phandalin is not that far away, their job not difficult in any regard, what is there to be worried about?

The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet is something to be worried about. Its thrall overtakes Gundren so quickly that Killian has no time to explain anything and they all race back to Phandalin as fast as they possibly can. By the time they get there, Gundren has already wreaked fury upon the city. Merle steps up. 

“This is it,” He thinks.

“This is the kind of adventure I needed, I can stop this.” 

In the end, it isn’t even his confidence that undoes them; it is the orc boy they saved not an hour before. No good deed goes unpunished, it seems to Merle as he watches the arrow hit his cousin’s back, and it is the thought that stays with him as he sees the spout of flame above them from inside the well. 

The all-consuming fire wipes Phandalin off the map, and it is hard not to feel responsible for it. Merle pushes the thought to the back of his mind as Killian leads them away from the not-destruction.

The black glass makes it look like nothing was there in the first place.

 

The memory June stops on isn’t at all what Merle expects it to be. 

As the Relic-possessed girl flips through his memories to find the one he regrets most, he almost thinks she will stop on the day he left Hecuba, or the day Phandalin was destroyed. She stops on the day Magnus removed his arm, instead. Merle gives the memory a surprised look as it begins playback, flesh hand coming to rest on a wooden elbow. He sees his teammates trying to save Killian and Carey, hears the voice of “Pan” telling him to grab the crystal, sees his still-flesh arm going to grab it. June speaks.

“You want your arm back, don’t you? You don’t need to keep living with a fake one when you can get your real arm back. All you have to do is claim me.” 

Merle doesn’t want to admit it, but it really is a convincing argument. He _does_ want his arm back. He just wants to keep his friends, too. The memory has continued playing in slow-motion while the Chalice tries to capture his heart, and Merle watches it once more. The crystal shards pierce through his null-suit and begin to make their way up his arm. The cleric shakes himself out of his trace and moves to look just to the right, away from himself. 

He sees Magnus running towards him, terror plain in his eyes.  
He sees Taako freeze in place, looking almost sick. 

He tells the Chalice, in more polite words, to shove off. 

He has made his own mistakes and he has decided to live with them. Taako fist-bumps him and Magnus bumps his shoulder with just a little too much strength and Merle knows, despite any doubts he may have had, he has made the right decision. 

In a last-ditch effort, June shows them Phandalin. The realization that he isn’t the only one who blames himself is enough to dissuade the dwarf from thinking about the Chalice’s offer any further. The curse is broken, and they leave Refuge together.

When Merle returns home, he takes a good, long look at himself. Dying enough times in a row with full memory of each happening is enough to push him to take a step back and truly think about his choices. Taako and Magnus are dealing with their own demons; it is time for Merle to confront his. 

He tunes his stone of farspeech to Hecuba’s frequency, and decides attempt to reconcile. He has spent enough time running from his responsibilities, the cleric knows.

His own life isn’t at all what Merle expects it to be.

But, he thinks, why does he need expectations, anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god seriously how the hell do you write merle????  
> i tried so hard guys
> 
> drag me HONESTLY like what IS this 
> 
> Title's from BLACK & WHITE by GHOST as per usual  
> next line after magnus' title i just think its kinda neat lmao


End file.
